Gary Tank Commander tells you how to plan an AMAZIN’ Christmas

Hiya!!! There is litereleh, nuhin better in the world uvur than Christmas. Christmas wiz invented so that folk could be happy when the weather is pure shockin’ and I fir yin, hink that Christmas is the best invention ever made.

When ye think aboot it, Christmas is better than any other day in the year. Ye get presents, ye get mare presents, ye open the presents yiv bought fir yirself, you make a pile ay the things that folk huv goat ye that ye hate that are gittin’ taken straight back – but ye dinny mind, cos Christmas is the time fir puttin’ up wi shan presents.

Yir no even really that bothered, yir just happy to be surrounded by presents at this time ay year. AND ye git tae eat…like AW DAY!!! How could you never no like Christmas, ken?!!!

So, sit back, relax, put that Baileys ’n’ Coke (Boke) doon fir a second and read ma guide tae daein hings at Christmas!!!!

Christmas dinner

Whoever is cookin it fir ye, make sure they’re decent at it. There is nuhin’ worse that looking forward tae a massive Christmas dinner, only tae bite intae yir Turkey and it gees you the full-on wet heave boke – they’ve bought one I they abused turkeys fae ‘Frozen World’ n huvnae even cooked it aw the way through. NAEONE wants a turkey ice lolly, so DINNAE!!!

But also, ah cannae be daein wi these radges that says like: “Actualleh, Henry and myself are a little bored of Turkey so this year we’re having swan.”

SHUT UP N GET OOT MA JOLLY CRIMBO FACE! Turkey is not fir life, but it is fir Christmas.

Oh, but Gary, my cousin Nivea doesn’t eat meat… what should she have? Well, firstly some counselling tae get her issues looked at, but then ah suppose she could have some cheesy pasta as that is a brulliant dish all day and all year round!! There ye go Nivea! Sorted!!

Sweet treats

Like any normal hoose oan Christmas day, it’s a “selection boax” fir pre-breakfast, Qualiteh Street fir real breakfast, suttin blue tae drink, then Roses fir post breakfast.

After that, the rule oan Christmas Day is that ye kin basically eat chocolate at any time until there’s so much sugar in yir system yir legs get jumpy and ye accidentally trip yir gran. Then ye mibbe need tae reign it back in fir five minutes.

Entertaining the family

Maist families are full tae the brim with idiots and, sadly, Christmas often attracts these fools tae come oot and show thir idiocy in all its radge-like glory.

But dinnae let this ruin yir day. Ma toap tip is actually tae encourage them tae act like radges ’n’ see whit is the maist mental hing you kin get them tae dae. Make it a game… for example, encourage yir “Uncle Bam” tae get oot oan the street and shout at the neighbours. That way, they’ll mibbe call the polis ’n’ he’ll get lifted, then you kin get oan wi yir PURFUCT Christmas day!!!

Yir welcomes!!!

Gifts for the ones you love

Sometimes, it’s no easy gittin’ gifts fir folk yir genuinely no even that bothered aboot, but this year it’s different!! How? You ken how! Aye, aye ye dae??!!! Christmas prezzie proablem solved!!! Cos ay me!!!!!

Surprise the radges in yir life wi’ tickets tae see MA show, next October at the SSE hydro!! ’N’ whits even better is that, cos it’s in October, you’ve then goat CHRISTMAS tae look forward tae after that!!!

How good is that?! U’ll tell you how good that is, it’s amazin! Uv litereleh thought of UVRYTHIN!!! is the online edition of Scotland's favourite newspapers, that brings you your Daily news. Every day we bring you the best in Scottish news, sport, entertainment and opinion, including breaking news, picture galleries, videos and live blogs.

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